Lost love - The closure

It's finally time for me to shut this blog down, not one of the easiest of decisions to make but one that is very key for me and "Blackberry" to move on with our lives.

Losing a loved one is not an easy thing and nothing on earth prepares you for it - it's even harder if the loved one you are losing is a baby that dies at birth. Dies before knowing anything good or bad about this world.

Others might think it should be easy because it was a baby that we did not get to know so there was not so much of an attachment...

I knew this baby since the first day "Blackberry" (Blackberry is my wife's nickname) told me she is pregnant...my life somewhat literally revolved around this baby and after losing two pregnancies before this I was so excited when we hit month four because I knew finally I was going to hold my baby in my own hands.

It was not just about the excitement, we worked hard to ensure our house which was still under construction was baby friendly. Spent every single dime we had on the finishing and making the baby's room.

Like I said in the previous post, the baby literally had 10 times more clothes than I do and she was still 5 months away!

Then I started this blog...I hoped that one day I would pass it on to my baby and that she would grow to be an awesome writer some day.

Then the sad day came...I remember going out into the hospital lobby after receiving news that my baby will not come out alive. The doctor said it very calmly...as he sympathized with "Blaackberry" and myself.

I held her hand tightly, kissed her in the forehead and told her it will all be fine.

I could not show my emotions...I could not cry, I needed to be strong for her.

At the lobby I told my family about what had just happened via our whatsapp group. Earlier on when I told them we were at the hospital they were so excited and were already coming up with baby names. If the baby were a boy my cousins had long decided it was going to be "Ian Ominde"...I will thank Coca-Cola for the name (long story but it has everything to do with the Share a Coke campaign).

But why were we even guessing the sex, we should have known already?

Well when the last ultrasound was done about 3 weeks before this day, the baby was not in a good position so the sex was not clearly visible, in fact the docs were more concerned with changing the baby's position so we did not know until this day - but it wasn't going to be a boy.

After talking to my cousins I called my dad then my boss.....

The following morning I was half man and half robot, I barely took notice of anything that happened around me. My first stop was at the hospital to get "Blackberry" a few stuff she needed.I was told the baby had been taken to the morgue and that would be the beginning of the process to lay her to rest.

Nothing prepares you for planning your child's burial, the fact that my wife was still in hospital did not make anything better. I had hardly slept a wink through the night.

My friends were just getting to terms with the news and my phone was constantly buzzing...I ignored a few of the calls. I had serious planning to do and answering phone calls  was not going to make things easier to me.

My elder bro was kind enough to give me his car to run around because there was evidently going to be a lot of running around.

The workaholic in me first had to stop by the office first though just to make sure nothing stops while I am away. Everybody was nice and sympathetic...for once everyone was offering to make me tea. I hid in my office (which is very open) and once or twice let a tear drop.

I had no idea where I was going to start but I knew we would lay the baby to rest on the same day. Pushing it further would have just made the pain worse.

My small bro managed to get an off from work from mid day that meant I would have someone to help in the afternoon.

A friend sent me cash for fuel so I left the office and decided to fuel the car first, as I was fueling another friend from the US sent me cash as well. I hadn't had time to go to my bank but while fueling I got notification that my salary had just reflected as well...it was 3rd of March. It looked like I was financially sorted for what stood ahead but I was still fatigued and clueless on what I need to do.

I needed to get a coffin for the baby, I did not know where or how so I called dad and he found someone to make the coffin and I told him that I was sending him cash in an hour, before I could do that my family sorted out the cost of the coffin.

My facebook was blazing with messages of sympathies and my phone was continually buzzing...my day got busier and busier and so much busier trying to coordinate the burial plans and getting the baby out of the morgue.

My wife wanted to get out of the hospital to go bury the baby with us but the doctors won't let her, she was going mad crying and creating scenes at the ward. I understood her pain....my patience was running out too and I started becoming very hot tempered.

I was lucky enough that my small bro had joined me by this time. He had actually took time off from a very important board meeting at work...at some point he had to leave us later on to catch the meeting because some of his Directors from Netherlands were getting very impatient.

When we finally went to the morgue to get the baby, there were quite a number of friends waiting for us. I was surprised that so many people had showed up for someone they did not even know...others still were already on their way to our home.

We got home around 3 PM dug a grave and my good friend Pastor Buodo of Dominion Chapel presided over the burial of our baby.

Sad that we had to lay her to rest without "Blackberry"....I can't begin to imagine her pain at that moment.

I was glad that my family, friends and colleagues showed up for me.

We laid the little angel near the house...not a single day do I get out of that house without glancing at the fresh grave in my compound and imagining what a beautiful girl she would have grown up to be.

She had my hair....or so I'm told. She looked very beautiful in her sleep. I still ask why she had to go...I still pray for her everyday and pray for her mother.

Moving on has not been easy, everyday that grave constantly reminds us of the joy that she could have brought in our lives.

Her death though has made us stronger, more prayerful...it has also made us to deeply love each other because the pain that it brought to both of us, no one else would understand.

I miss her, we miss her everyday but we are still trusting God that in his own time he will make things right.

We are grateful to all our friends and family and colleagues who stood with us during that time and still stand with us as we try to move on. To our pastor friend who pray with us and for us...we are grateful to God for giving us the strength.

Rest In Peace sweet Angel.

You can read my other blog post on "Ominde's World."

Of cravings and confiscated perfumes

I totally had no idea of what to expect of a pregnant woman. I had heard a thing or two about morning sickness but totally had no clue about what it was. Betty's was rather and all day sickness every day of the first trimester.

Throwing up after every meal or for no reason at all...suddenly she did not like the smell of my perfume or my Nivea lotion which she is the same person who bought me. At first I had to dress up in the guest room so that she could not smell the perfume or the lotion, then I had to shower immediately I got home from work. That meant that I could kiss her goodbye in the morning before I finished dressing up because once I applied the perfume, I could not go back to our bedroom.

So we all know how impossible that is and so one day after taking my shower at 4 am (I am usually in the office by 5 am) I could neither find my perfume nor body lotion. The only thing I am allowed to use in this house to date is Vaseline Petroleum jelly. At times I think she is just punishing me.

I hear women have cravings when they are paged....again I had no clue about what to expect. A friend of mine had a thing for potato crisps and she would leave the house at funny hours just to get crisps from a popular joint in Kisumu's Milimani estate not to mention that she lives several miles away. Her cravings were later on in her pregnancy though....

My Betty has the most weird of cravings not to mention that hers started on the very first day she told me she was pregnant. Her conversations immediately became plural...she craved chicken, fish, pizza, beef burgers and everything else that she only ate weekly or rarely. Meat was banned from our menu instantly.

If I complained her reply always was, "si ni mtoto wako ndo anataka."

Then the cravings started changing...I get that is when the real cravings started checking in. The bad thing was that they kept changing everyday.

I usually buy beef sausages but for some reasons the baby told Betty that all she could eat was pork sausages and not wanting to get into the baby's bad books this early I obliged, buying two 500g packs. She ate them once and the next time I was in the supermarket which was two days later she called and asked me to buy chicken sausages - needless to say I have no right to ask questions, the baby wants and the baby gets. I once again bought two 500g packs and only a few of the sausages were eaten.

So here I was with about 1.5kg of sausages to myself....that should be a good thing but for someone who leaves the house before 5 am and whose idea of breakfast is Ugali with Nyama at 10 am this was going to be tough few days. If you add the frequent power blackouts in my neighborhood which means I could not guarantee that the fridge will keep them fresh then I had big problems to deal with. Needless to say, that month I ate so much sausages I don't buy them anymore.

The real cravings she has though are for matoke and ripe mangoes....I say they are real cravings because she never liked matoke. I had to force her to prepare them for me but mostly she would just have me make them for myself. Today they are in our menu not less than twice a week - that's how I know that baby is definitely mine!!

However much prepared you think you are for parenthood, some things still take you by surprise. Everyday through this journey is a learning experience. I have five more months to go with this journey...

Do you have a rookie dad/mum experience I could learn from? Share in the comments section.

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Rookie dad tales

I am running out of fingers to use while counting the number of blogs I run, everyday I find out there is a new topic I want to write about and when it's unique enough I try and create for it it's own space online.

Today it's fatherhood...I am about to become a father in the next 5 months. I hope that this time it will come to pass and Betty and I will finally be able to hold our baby in our own arms. The previous attempt wasn't successful, we lost the pregnancy in 3 months. It was a painful experience but we got over it together and with the support of our very loving family.

How do I feel?

The prospects of being a father is exciting I wont lie. In my head I have a lot of fun things I plan to do with the baby as he or she grows up. I don't know at the moment whether it's going to be a boy or a girl and I do not have any preference.

Whether boy or girl all I want to do is have fun with my baby and be the best dad I can ever be.

Being the best dad is however scary, every day I see Betty's tummy grow bigger I realize how closer I get to being a father and at times the thought of it scares me.

I'm I ready? 

What sends chills down my spine most of the time I think about this is if I will ever be the best father to this kid. If I am ready to make all the sacrifices that comes with being a father - at times it involves a paradigm shift from how you are used to living your life.

Most of the time I am usually very mean on this online streets and I would hate it if somebody would mistreat my kid just because I was mean to them on twitter or on a post I did on either of my blogs....or it could be that heartless comment on facebook.

So definitely I am going to change a lot of stuff...I think I am ready to be a nicer person to everybody now.

The lessons

I am a kids person...I think I get that from my dad. I however had no idea of what has to go in place before the baby comes. I thought Betty was crazy when she started buying baby clothes in month two. The baby now officially has about six times more clothes than I do. She had to stop buying because we are waiting to buy more clothes once we know the sex which will happen next month.

Then I need to work on the nursery to make sure it's baby friendly....I have no idea what the paint job should look like but Google is always here when we need it.

My small bro had his baby last year and he told me tales of how I should prepare for sleepless nights. Working long hours during the day and going home to a sleepless night is not something to look forward for but if we got through the first 3 months of Betty's pregnancy we can get through anything coz that was pure hell on earth.

Baby names

Funny enough we are thinking of baby names already...Betty says if she has a son she'll call him Daniel Ominde Jr. While the thought of it is kinda tempting I would not want to punish my son like that. If he likes the name then that's a choice he will have to make himself...I made that choice and adopted my grand father's name Wambura.

So we are still in the hunt for names...suggestions would help but I kinda think we are settled for a name already if it happens that she is a baby girl.

...................more to come on "Rookie Dad"

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